Pop quiz:
Who would win in a fight to the death, Cooties, the Heebie Jeebies, or the Willies?
If I ever see a flash mob, what I like to do is jump right in there to make it look like they didn't practice enough.
Hey everybody!
I'm back!
Why was I gone, and who the hell AM I, you ask?
These questions will be answered in due time.....and that due time is not now.
Now is the present time. At least right now it is. When you're reading this, it will be some future 'present time' that doesn't exist right now, at this time.
Thinking about all these 'times', (due, present, past, old etc...) got me to thinking about 'past times' and old journals I used to keep.
I've been pawing though these relics of 'old times', and figured upon the idea of sharing some ancient entry or another from 'time' to 'time'.
So here goes:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
October 8, 2001
A funny thing happened recently. Well....maybe not funny funny - but funny unusual.
Or maybe not even THAT unusual - but definitely slightly humorous.
Lately I've been having issues with - well - with - let's see - how should I put this? - I've been having difficulty reliving myself of pent up shit.
And I'm NOT talking about some big, emotional convulsion.
I'm speaking about constipation....it's a bastard.
This was going on (or not going on) with me for a few days and it was becoming quite a pain in the ass. Just the day before yesterday....my son's 20th birthday.....I decided I needed some serious assistance in unclogging my system.
I scurried over to the drug store and plopped down what seemed, at the time, to be a reasonable amount of money.....I mean, I think the anti-constipation industry can pretty much charge what they like for their remedies because people will pay just about anything for a meaningful shit. I mean.....I know it sounds crude but it's true...
......so I picked up this stuff called 'Herbal Colon Cleanser'. I picked it because I thought the 'Cleanser' part of the deal seemed like just what I needed, and the 'Herbal' part of the equation made it seem like it would be gentler than say....a Drano enema.
This 'Herbal Colon Cleanser' stuff comes in HUGE gelatin capsules. You have to take four at a time, three times a day. I began the whole 'Herbal Colon Cleanser' regime immediately, taking FOUR pills on the morning of the first day....washed them down with a litre of coffee and half a cold pancake.
Nothing happened.
I was thinking that maybe I should have gone for something that was non-herbal, cause sometimes you can't really trust stuff marked 'herbal'.....you know. Maybe it's just old hay mixed with cat hair in those pills..how would I know...anyway...
I was expecting the stuff to work immediately. I thought it would be a spasmodic elixir of freedom from being bunged up.
I thought, that since my chosen remedy was herbal it might be super gentle and take longer to kick in.
And it did.
It took so long to kick in that I was taking the capsules as a matter of course, no longer remembering or really caring why I was taking them....and this morning it happened.
The 'Herbal Colon Cleanser' kicked in with a vengeance.
I happened to be in aisle four of Save-On-Foods, scoping out the latest deal on canned ham
............all of a sudden.....BOOM.....
With watering eyes and entwined legs I clambered my way up the aisle and towards the public washrooms, (conveniently located at the very back of the store, in a dimly lit corner, behind a false wall and between stacks of old cheez curlz and new macaroni pizazz.)
Suffice it to say I made it in time. Just.
So, in case anyone in the future is reading this......Herbal Colon Cleanser works, you just have to give it a couple days.
These questions will be answered in due time.....and that due time is not now.
Now is the present time. At least right now it is. When you're reading this, it will be some future 'present time' that doesn't exist right now, at this time.
Thinking about all these 'times', (due, present, past, old etc...) got me to thinking about 'past times' and old journals I used to keep.
I've been pawing though these relics of 'old times', and figured upon the idea of sharing some ancient entry or another from 'time' to 'time'.
So here goes:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
October 8, 2001
A funny thing happened recently. Well....maybe not funny funny - but funny unusual.
Or maybe not even THAT unusual - but definitely slightly humorous.
Lately I've been having issues with - well - with - let's see - how should I put this? - I've been having difficulty reliving myself of pent up shit.
And I'm NOT talking about some big, emotional convulsion.
I'm speaking about constipation....it's a bastard.
This was going on (or not going on) with me for a few days and it was becoming quite a pain in the ass. Just the day before yesterday....my son's 20th birthday.....I decided I needed some serious assistance in unclogging my system.
I scurried over to the drug store and plopped down what seemed, at the time, to be a reasonable amount of money.....I mean, I think the anti-constipation industry can pretty much charge what they like for their remedies because people will pay just about anything for a meaningful shit. I mean.....I know it sounds crude but it's true...
......so I picked up this stuff called 'Herbal Colon Cleanser'. I picked it because I thought the 'Cleanser' part of the deal seemed like just what I needed, and the 'Herbal' part of the equation made it seem like it would be gentler than say....a Drano enema.
This 'Herbal Colon Cleanser' stuff comes in HUGE gelatin capsules. You have to take four at a time, three times a day. I began the whole 'Herbal Colon Cleanser' regime immediately, taking FOUR pills on the morning of the first day....washed them down with a litre of coffee and half a cold pancake.
Nothing happened.
I was thinking that maybe I should have gone for something that was non-herbal, cause sometimes you can't really trust stuff marked 'herbal'.....you know. Maybe it's just old hay mixed with cat hair in those pills..how would I know...anyway...
I was expecting the stuff to work immediately. I thought it would be a spasmodic elixir of freedom from being bunged up.
I thought, that since my chosen remedy was herbal it might be super gentle and take longer to kick in.
And it did.
It took so long to kick in that I was taking the capsules as a matter of course, no longer remembering or really caring why I was taking them....and this morning it happened.
The 'Herbal Colon Cleanser' kicked in with a vengeance.
I happened to be in aisle four of Save-On-Foods, scoping out the latest deal on canned ham
............all of a sudden.....BOOM.....
With watering eyes and entwined legs I clambered my way up the aisle and towards the public washrooms, (conveniently located at the very back of the store, in a dimly lit corner, behind a false wall and between stacks of old cheez curlz and new macaroni pizazz.)
Suffice it to say I made it in time. Just.
So, in case anyone in the future is reading this......Herbal Colon Cleanser works, you just have to give it a couple days.
